3 Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Let’s face it, sometimes communicating with our husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is hard, regardless of whether you have been together for 2 months or for 20 years and I’m curious about what communication looks like in your relationship.  So before we get to the 3 Things You Can Change Right Now to Improve Communication in Your Relationship let me ask you a couple of questions.

When you are discussing something with your partner, and let’s assume that the discussion surrounds an area of conflict, do you ever find that you seem to start to talk about one thing and then the next thing you know you’re arguing about something completely unrelated to what you were trying to work out in the first place?  Do you get so frustrated and upset that you give up the argument just to make it stop because you know nothing is changing? Well, if this sounds like you, you are not alone! These are very common challenges that my clients often ask for help with.

So don’t worry, feeling this way is not your fault and no matter how much you may want it to be, (wink, wink) it is not your partner’s fault either.  But if neither of you is to blame, then who’s the bad guy?  Who do you get to point to as the one who is wrong and the one who is right?  The latter is another common question I hear from my clients, sometimes we have a need to find fault in our partners in order to shift blame.  This is likely a sub-conscious attempt to repress stronger and more vulnerable emotions like shame, pain, and fear.  I ask you to consider the following:  What if you are both right and what if neither of you is wrong? Let me explain…

We all experience our lives through a lens of perception. Two people can share the same experience, but recall how the experience happened or how the experience felt differently.  There are a myriad of facets that go into how and why we perceive things the way we do, and certainly too many to explain in this blog.  So in an effort to keep the explanation simple consider this, when you experience something differently than someone else, does that make your experience, your perception, of it wrong and theirs right?

Here’s an example:

You and a friend are walking down the street and you both see a dog sitting in a yard. The dog isn’t growling, it isn’t moving and hasn’t even looked in the direction of you and your friend.   You feel excited and can’t wait to see if the dog wants to get a pat on the head because you have a history of only encountering friendly dogs. However, your friend is terrified and starts having a panic attack because your friend was once attacked by a dog.  Later on you and your friend are at dinner and telling a third friend about your walk.  Would your friend be wrong to say that she felt the dog was threatening? Would you be wrong in saying that you thought the dog was adorable and seemed like the gentlest dog you had ever seen? Absolutely not! You are both right because you experienced the same event in a different way.

Now, if we can believe that we don’t have to place blame on ourselves or our partners but feel that we need to blame something, does it have to be a person?  What if instead what we need to blame is a thing, a thing that you can’t see but a thing that I’m sure you certainly can feel.  When we have trouble communicating in our relationships the best thing to blame is the cycle we get into because it is the cycle that gets in the way of our ability to create positive change.  This cycle, or patterns of negative interaction, and in this case, communication, develop over time.  The cycle makes it harder to feel safe enough to be open and harder to listen to your partner and it also makes it harder for your partner to hear you. Why? Because the cycle is a master of putting up our defenses. The cycle is the thing that gets us talking about one thing and then an hour later finding ourselves in a full blown argument that has nothing to do with whatever the problem was in the first place.

Now that we know who the “bad guy” is, let’s talk about some simple ways to interrupt these patterns and start improving your communication and relationship TODAY!

#1  Avoid starting sentences with the word “you, followed by the words “always” and “never” when communicating with your partner. Talking in absolutes often puts us on the defensive and may very well open up a door to bring up conflict from the past, thank you Mr. Bad Cycle Guy. Try to exchange these words and stay focused on the conflict at hand as follows.

Here is an example:

When we say, “You never listen,” or “You always walk away” your partner will immediately think of all the times they have listened and all the times they didn’t walk away.  The defensive need is often a need to prove our partner wrong and we aren’t trying to do that anymore, we are blaming the pattern and eliminating these three words are critical to taking the pattern down.  Remember, we want our partners to hear us, we want them to be able to listen to what we are saying about how not listening or walking away affects us, and they are not going to do that if they feel attacked.

So what can you do differently?  First, lose the “you” and try talking about what you might need from your partner by using “I”, this is called the I-position. You could try, “I feel like I’m not being heard” and “I need you to stay so we can figure this out together.” By making these changes you begin to communicate the behavior you need (the expectation you have or change you want) rather than emphasizing that which you think your partner may be doing wrong.

#2 Avoid using the word “should”. “Should” implies that you are making a demand and let’s face it, not many of us like being told what to do! Try using the word “could” instead.

Here’s an example:

Instead of saying, “You should stop going out with your friends all the time” try, “I’d like it if you could spend more time with me.” This way, you eliminate “should” and convey the behavior you would like to see change rather than put the focus on the behavior that you think it “wrong”.

#3 It’s time to lose the big, bad “BUT” in your conversations!  The word “but” often disqualifies anything that comes before it. Instead, try substituting “but” for “and“.

Here’s an example:

Instead of saying, “I love you but you don’t understand me” try saying, “I love you and right now I’m feeling like I don’t know how to help you to understand what I’m trying to say.” This change may feel a little awkward, this is another piece of common feedback I hear from my clients, and I admit that I have trouble with this one, too…and I’ve been using it for years!  Awkward is okay because change is uncomfortable. But you can take comfort in this, know that when you’re uncomfortable you are growing and by extension, so is the communication in your relationship.

Please keep in mind that while these tips are simple in concept it may be much more difficult to train your brain to think this way.  You may also find it helpful to share these tips with your partner so you can work together to improve communication in your relationship.

Oh, I almost forgot an important rule to carry with you as you try to implement these tips!  As you work to makes these changes, you may find yourself stumbling over your words and sometimes you may just flat out forget, or even become so frustrated in the moment that you feel like you have no control and you just need to say whatever it is, whatever way it comes out.  This is okay! When this happens remember that change takes time, you can always look for opportunities to go back and try it again.  You might consider telling your partner something like, “Whoops, sorry.  I just got so frustrated that I didn’t realize what I really meant to say was…”. And remember, don’t forget who the bad guy is, THE CYCLE.

Well, that’s it! I hope you enjoyed learning about three simple things you can do right now to improve communication in your relationship and, as an added bonus, eliminate negative patterns you’ve fallen into from the past!

If you would like more help improving communication in your relationship please give me a call today to set up an appointment. (856) 340-8402